What does Abundance look like?

A couple of days ago I completed the Deepak Chopra 21-day Meditation Challenge. Every day I followed the guided meditation exploring the meaning, source and manifestation of abundance. I had an idea of what abundance would look and feel like, and I had expectations on the results of the challenge. Nonetheless, through the process, I was reminded, over and over again, to let go of all those "shoulda, woulda, coulda". I have started to learn to let Spirit surprise me. I would still hold on to images of success, happiness, love and prosperity, but never forgetting what I've found to be truthful, time and time again:

Ephesians 3:20

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]

Meditation has allowed me to consider that just as I am the source of my thoughts, I am also the source of my experiences. I went deep inside to uncover the beliefs, thoughts, words, actions and omissions that brought about the same things I have dreaded and tried so hard to avoid. There, in the Stillness, there is no one else to blame, no room for BS, no one to pity or treat as victim. It becomes ever so clear that, like Moses, you are holding the Rod, the authority to bring forth the miraculous, so what are you crying out for? Exodus 14:15-16

I was marveled to discover the ways in which I had so masterfully created misery, scarcity and limitation, loneliness and struggle. But far from feeling guilt, or shame, or angst, I was allowed to uncover that same power of creation capable of bringing forth the manifestation of happiness, prosperity, abundance, love and success. It was like God had broken down the process of Creation for me, and revealed both its surprising simplicity and its depth. I also went behind the scenes to learn some more about the ways of the Soul vs the ways of the Ego, and it brought immense satisfaction to know I was just scratching the surface. I would end my mediation time bursting in Christian-style worship and recalling Bible verses like I was this really cool "web search engine".

Romans 11:33

Amplified Bible (AMP)

33 Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unfathomable (inscrutable, unsearchable) are His judgments (His decisions)! And how untraceable (mysterious, undiscoverable) are His ways (His methods, His paths)!

So what does abundance looks like, after taking the Meditation Challenge? First and foremost, a yearned and cherished Spiritual Freedom: the knowledge and conviction that sets you free from dogma; also, an increasing awareness of Oneness with the Creator and with all of creation, therefore, with the source of unlimited potentiality; ultimately, a sense of stability and inner peace that I never thought possible.

There is a shift in my mental atmosphere, that inevitably started to manifest in my physical reality. Just before completing the Challenge: estranged relatives came back seeking emotional connection, offering help and support; a long lost romantic interest returned to find out if I was now available, sweeping me off my feet with passionate interest, generosity and commitment. Since I am now falling in love with this fine gentleman, for the first time in thirteen years, I have fallen back in love with myself, have no need to overeat, and feel like working out, enjoy the outdoors and dance every single day! Every day I enjoy to hear the carefree laugh of my kids around me, reflecting my own, new found, inner sense of trust and reliance upon God and the wonderful process of Life.

Meditation Resources

7 SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success are the laws of nature applied to our everyday life. Each of the daily meditation sessions will end with a review of the spiritual law of success for that day. Application of these laws will enable us to live a more enlightened existence. Sunday- The Law of Pure Potentiality “Om Bhavam Namah” “I am absolute existence” - Cultivate stillness - Commune with nature - Practice non-judgement

Monday- The Law of Giving & Receiving

“Om Vardhanam Namah” “ I nourish the universe and the
universe nourishes me”

- Practice breath awareness
- Cultivate a sense of gratitude
- Acknowledge your needs

Tuesday- The Law of Karma (or cause & effect)

“Om Kriyam Namah” “ My actions are aligned with cosmic
law”

- Witness your choices
- Consider the consequences
- Listen to your heart

Wednesday- The Law of Least Effort

“Om Daksham Namah” “My actions achieve maximal benefit
with minimal effort”

- Practice acceptance
- Accept responsibility
- Be defenseless

Thursday- The Law of Intentions & Desires

“Om Ritam Namah” “ My intentions and desires are
supported by cosmic intelligence”

- Be clear of your intentions & desires
- Trust in the outcome
- Practice present moment awareness

Friday- The Law of Detachment

“Om Anandham Namah” “My actions are blissfully free
from attachment to outcome”

- Practice detachment
- Embrace uncertainty
- Surrender to the field of pure potentiality

Saturday- The Law of Dharma (or purpose in life)

“Om Varunam Namah” “My life is in harmony with
cosmic law”

- Attend to your silent witness
- Acknowledge your talents
- Help & serve other.

The Resurrection of Dreams

1 Chronicles 4:9-10

Amplified Bible (AMP)

9 Jabez was honorable above his brothers; but his mother named him Jabez [sorrow maker], saying, Because I bore him in pain.

10 Jabez cried to the God of Israel, saying, Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my border, and that Your hand might be with me, and You would keep me from evil so it might not hurt me! And God granted his request.

There comes a time when releasing your past and its conditioning is essential to reconnect with your true potential. In the Silence, you feel a joy that has no external source: nothing has changed in the outside, and somehow, within you, everything is different.  You discover that regardless of external evens and situations, that joy of Spirit is always accessible, unconditionally available at the conscious shift of your attention.  To come to this realization is to uncover the source of all goodness, potentiality and possibilities. You stop waiting for something to change on the outside: for people to be more agreeable, for circumstances to be more favorable, for the weather to be more propitious. You know the state of things has nothing to do with your state of being. Such a discovery is exhilarating and life changing.  

Remember the dreams you had as a child? Back then, your imagination was a reliable source of information about the World and about possibilities.  You drafted your dreams with crayons and enacted them vividly day after day.  There was no doubt your future would turn out to be exactly as you envisioned it. Then, what happened?  Adults, who must have known better, where there to define reality for you. They became a source of facts and information that had to be more reliable than that naive, inexperienced, little internal voice.  Well, it didn't stop there, they did not just define reality for you, they defined You. They gave you a name, nicknames, surnames, based on their perception of you and their perception of themselves. The rest is history: you stopped enacting your dreams to act out on their definition of yourself.  

Little did they know that the Source of your childhood dreams, the Source of your true identity, continues to call you by your Name.  

Isaiah 45:3

And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:4

For the sake of Jacob My servant, and of Israel My chosen, I have called you by your name. I have surnamed you, though you have not known Me.

In the Silence and Stillness, the voice of your Maker, whispers your original name and reminds you that your childhood dreams where nothing but God's original vision for your existence. You experience a rebirth, as you discover that your potential is as unlimited as your Source, and that all the news forecasts of this World and all the naysayers in your life have no power to alter that reality. You learn to turn within whenever you feel the need for a "reality check".  As dreams are resurrected, life turns back to be extraordinary, miraculous, exciting and magical again.

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful...

Reading the Mystics

Let nothing upset you;

Let nothing frighten you.

Everything is changing;

God alone is changeless.

Patience attains the goal.

Who has God lacks nothing;

God alone fills all our needs.

~Saint Teresa of Avila

For me, prayer is an upward leap of the heart, an untroubled glance towards heaven, a cry of gratitude and love which I utter from the depths of sorrow as well as from the heights of joy. It has a supernatural grandeur which expands the soul and unites it with God. I say an Our Father or a Hail Mary when I feel so spiritually barren that I cannot summon up a single worth while thought. These two prayers fill me with rapture and feed and satisfy my soul. 

~St. Thérèse of Lisieux,The Story of a Soul.

I drove away from my mind everything capable of spoiling the sense of the presence of God.... I just make it my business to persevere in His holy presence... My soul has had an habitual, silent, secret conversation with God.

~Brother Lawrence (1614-1691)

An humble knowledge of thyself is a surer way to God than a deep search after learning. 

~Thomas Kempis

“Silence is the language of God, 

all else is poor translation.” 

~Rumi (Islam)

Just as a mirror, which reflects all things, is set in its own container, so too the rational soul is placed in the fragile container of the body. In this way, the body is governed in its earthly life by the soul, and the soul contemplates heavenly things through faith.

~HILDEGARD OF BINDEN, letter to the Monk Guibert, 1175

 

“At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him...Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet...When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.” 

~Oswald Chambers (Protestant)

Do not try to become anything.
Do not make yourself into anything.
Do not be a meditator.
Do not become enlightened.
When you sit, let it be.
What you walk, let it be.
Grasp at nothing.
Resist nothing.

If you haven't wept deeply, you haven't begun to meditate.

~Ajhan Chah

Me, Myself and Brenda...

It took me four years to make peace with my reality. I was resentful, bitter and angry.   I constantly compared my life's circumstances with others'.  I did not have a marriage, a successful career or professional title, a comfortable home, a savings fund, an ideal body image, a hometown to welcome me back, an unconditionally loving mother, a supportive father, an accepting sister, a welcoming church community.  I had nothing that would materially define my identity.  I held on to motherhood as my last stronghold, to finally accept that my children were increasingly more independent and self-reliant.   I was left alone, isolated and broken with nothing else than an unforgiving mirror reflecting back a wounded self-image; a scattered, confused mind and an ego-guarded, defensive heart.  

I tried desperately for years to buy the acceptance of others, by adopting their religious beliefs and world views. I sought to belong at the ever high cost of self betrayal.  Over and over again, I forced myself to fit into various social molds.  I camouflaged my feelings, thoughts and intentions to be more likable, and avoid rejection. I was not being hypocritical, I honestly forced myself to adapt, willingly mutilating myself psychologically and spiritually.  I fell for a false notion of salvation, offered by well-intention-ed church goers. "We welcome you", they said, "just as you are".  "We will patiently wait for you to conform to the only truth we are willing to accept...come worship our image of an All-American mainstream Jesus."  "Seek and ye shall find the holy grail of traditional marriage and the white picket fence heaven; repent of your morally inferior, non-white worldviews. The kingdom of heaven is likened to the America's of the 1950's, any ideals that deviate from that are terribly ungodly."

My desire to conform, stemmed from a deeply seated sense of unworthiness and inadequacy.  It was madness, and I have had to forgive myself. In my isolation, I had no other choice but to go within. There was Yeshua Ben David, the master, waiting in the Silence. I fell prostrated, blinded by the light of his countenance, so pure and unpretentious.  There too was Madre Maria, the divine feminine reminding me my feminine nature is also more than worthy.  Because of the genuineness of my spiritual search I can confidently believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way others experience the Divine. I can worship God in "Spirit and in Truth" and still honor the beliefs of all God's children, however different they might seem.  

Nonetheless, through my search I have gained the discernment to differentiate what it is just a different perspective of Universal Truth, from mere social constructs with political agendas. I firmly believe this is a time in the history of humanity when the hearts of many, mine included, will be exposed. Those false images, idols and social structures we have erected will no longer be there to hide the truth about ourselves.  Just like Adam and Eve, we will discover our nakedness and try to run to hide ourselves from our Creator, once again, but to no avail. We better make peace with the core of who we are, and who we were created to be. We need to start to reconcile within ourselves all the diverse, infinite aspects of the I AM, Creator of the Universe. We need to stop creating gods after our limited, exclusive image and likeness. It is no coincidence that women's issues are at the center of the political debate.  I recall it was about Mary that was prophesied:

Luke 2:35
And a sword will pierce through your own soul also—that the secret thoughts and purposes of many hearts may be brought out and disclosed.

On Stillness, Rest and Silence...

Psalm 46:10

Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God.

Mark 4:39

And He arose and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, Hush now! Be still (muzzled)! And the wind ceased ( sank to rest as if exhausted by its beating) and there was [immediately] a great calm (a perfect peacefulness).

Hebrews 4:9-10    

9 So then, there is still awaiting a full and complete Sabbath-rest reserved for the [true] people of God;

10 For he who has once entered [God’s] rest also has ceased from [the weariness and pain] of human labors, just as God rested from those labors [a]peculiarly His own.

Psalm 62:1 

A Psalm of David. For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

Psalm 65:1

To You belongs silence (the submissive wonder of reverence which bursts forth into praise) and praise is due and fitting to You, O God, in Zion; and to You shall the vow be performed.

Habakkuk 2:20

But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth hush and keep silence before Him.

And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small 

voice.

Isaiah 30:15

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength.

Just a Touch of Grace

Romans 8:26
So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance.

We all experience to some degree and at some level, the density of the material life.  I have a budget to balance in this challenging economy. The weight of financial demands feels unbearably heavy on my shoulders, as I go over my bills and expenses in my head endlessly. It wears me down, it holds a grip on me. Shame and guilt seem to hover over me like dark clouds as I question incisively what it is that I need to learn in order to experience the Unlimited as my reality here and now. I tell myself how I think it is suppose to be, how faith is suppose to work. I recall how easy it seemed a couple of weeks ago, when I felt as if I was soaring on the wings of Spirit over the appearances and circumstances of my life.  What has changed? I have been practicing my meditation daily, I have repeated my affirmations faithfully.  

We have been trained for centuries to rely on our senses for proof of what we can consider to be real. What is verifiable through our physical senses is the truth we can readily accept.  The Scientific Method is still the approach of our Super-conscious, even when, as people of faith, we say we believe in the unseen and in the existence of a metaphysical (beyond the physical) reality. To hold on to beliefs that challenge what our senses are perceiving seems not just supernatural, but unnatural.  Then we think that using the same discipline, consistency and effort will produce the observable results we look for, and that is what has become our so-called "spiritual practice". We just assume we must try harder, and that the absence of observable, predictable results means nothing but failure.

It still amazes me how Spirit pleads on our behalf when me most need it.  While battling the frustration of not being able to find inner silence, struggling to keep my mind still, I heard once again the subtle whisper : "Be gentle, kind and compassionate with yourself".  I am prompted to let go, to surrender, to just STOP trying~ the famous LET IT BE from Mother Mary~ I start to remember what I have already learned: that nothing has truly changed; that, regardless of my momentary emotions and perceptions, Truth can never change or be altered; therefore, my true self can never change or be altered. My spiritual practice does not need to render immediate, visible and perceivable results to be effective. God has nothing to prove, I have nothing to prove. 

As I am writing these declarations, I am again comforted and strengthened. Again, I feel like taking off to my place of communion with Father-Mother God, where I am so inaccessible to all the fuzz and frenzy of humanity.  I start to remember what It is all about and what It is not.  My physicality is but a veil behind which lies the eternal beauty of my only true altar.   We tear the veil of physicality time and time again, to uncover the Light that shines uninterruptedly.  The joy and peace that overtakes me seem so miraculous. I am reminded that all it takes is a single touch of Grace, teamed up with my willingness to stop trying and let go.  Thank You, God.

Romans 9:16
So then [God’s gift] is not a question of human will and human effort, but of God’s mercy. [It depends not on one’s own willingness nor on his strenuous exertion as in running a race, but on God’s having mercy on him.]

In stillness we will hear God's Voice today without intrusion of our petty thoughts, without our personal desires, and without all judgment of His holy Word. We will not judge ourselves today, for what we are can not be judge. We stand apart from all the judgments which the world has laid upon the Son of God. It knows him not. Today we will not listen to the world, but wait in silence for the Word of God.

A Course in Miracles

The Journey: first stop.

The first time I stepped into a Catholic Church I did it in defiance of the beliefs of my family. I had recently married my best friend.  We had leaned on each other to escape our troubled households and eventually, the Cult.  We had no idea of what we were doing, but we felt we could trust each other.  My new husband, was a Mita too, but his musical pursuits had expanded his world, venturing out of the cult to sing and play with a very special group of friends.   These friends were devoted Catholics with a music ministry. They would travel from town to town in Puerto Rico in their mission, sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  They were a jolly crowd, filled with  conviction and enthusiasm.  They would talk about their Jesus in a very casual and personal way.  

 I was mystified to hear them talk. Up to that point, to me, Jesus was one of the characters of the Bible.  I am sorry if I am bursting someone's bubble, but Los Mita will try to convince you that they are Christians. I would assure you that Christ was an outdated concept to me. I was taught that we were living a new dispensation and that Mita en Aaron had come to fulfilled what Jesus Christ, apparently was not able to accomplish in his own time.  That is the core of their teachings, regardless of what they want to portray in public.

Our new Catholic friends introduced me to the name and person of Jesus.  I started to recognize that this Jesus was someone I was already acquainted to, inexplicably, by some sort of innate intuition.  I had battled with the contradictions of the god of my childhood's indoctrination and GOD.  It was a painful and lonely battle, and finally, I had met someone handing me the first matching pieces of my puzzle. I acknowledge the first pieces I kept in a secret place inside my heart, were passed down to me from my grandmother -remember she was  raised a devout catholic-I recall spending time with my grandmother, secretly indulging in conversations about Mother Mary, the saints and the angels from her childhood memories.  These memories gave me strength to do the unthinkable for a Mita believer and visit a Catholic church.  For twenty something years, I had received terrifying admonitions about stepping into another church or entertaining their doctrines.  

Fear had effectively kept me from venturing out of the cult for two decades, but something had change.  At that time I was a student of Social Work at the University of Puerto Rico.  I had started recognizing and identifying dysfunction in my family, I began questioning things in a way that did not escape my family's scrutiny.  They started to label me as delusional, they took me to the Cult's elders and the Prophet, to be prayed for, reprimanded and intimidated.  The exercise of their control and abuse intensified to destructive levels of emotional and even physical abuse, as my mother repeatedly beat me up to expel demons of rebellion and disbelief off of me.  I ended up running away.  The few families that would take me in, in the beginning, denied me support after hearing the story of my mental instability and rebellious spirit.  It was then, when facing my worst fear made me fearless.  

In retrospective, I see that converting to Catholicism was the place for me to rebuild a faulty foundation. You must understand that my belief system was so corrupted that medieval doctrines and rituals where a breath of fresh air. Concepts such as Salvation, Forgiveness and Redemption, where revolutionary and new.  I fell in  love with the Eucharist: Jesus was living bread and I was starving!  The scent of incense was intoxicating, the Creed offered a solid ground for my feet and spirituality was now open for exploration.  I was proud to share my beliefs with ancient mystics and with people all around the world.  My faith was a more universal one, not secretive and mysterious anymore.  

To be continued...

The Secret Place

Daily meditation is my lifeline.  For so many years I tried to cultivate a genuine prayer life. I started setting aside some time in the mornings, especially the weekends- sit down with my Bible and just casually talk to God.  When I could not find the words to use, I would use the Scriptures, especially the Psalms.  I always found in the words of King David the echo of my own inner voice.  Other times, I would be so troubled and distressed that, like Job: I would lay my cause before Him and fill my mouth with arguments.  Job 23:4 Then, over a period of time, Jesus shared in a little secret with me: Silence is my worship place, the place inside of  me where true communion with God is not only attainable, but it is eternal and uninterrupted. 

 For me it started when I felt so overwhelmed with the presence of God that I had no desire to talk.  I experienced the Silence, first as a gift of pure grace.  Now I seek it consciously and enthusiastically.  Inner Silence is my hiding place, my sanctuary, away from the appearance of things and circumstances in this World. I am speaking not only about quieting your mouth, I mean suspending the activity of thought. This is something that you can spend all your life trying to learn, but I have an excellent Master.  I followed Jesus into that Secret Place, and I have found no need of a better altar.

Note: Meditation and contemplation are ancient spiritual practices, common to all world religions, Christianity no excluded.   It is what clearly separates religious ritual from mysticism.

Today I just want to share a few Scriptures that to me, make clear reference to the experience I just described.

1. Psalm 27:5
   For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His shelter; in the secret place of His tent will He hide me; He will set me high upon a rock.
   
   
2. Psalm 31:20
   In the secret place of Your presence You hide them from the plots of men; You keep them secretly in Your pavilion from the strife of tongues.
   
   
3. Psalm 81:7
   You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
   
   
4. Psalm 91:1
   [ Psalm 91 ] He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].
   
   
5. Psalm 91:8
   Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.
   
   
6. Song of Solomon 2:14
   [So I went with him, and when we were climbing the rocky steps up the hillside, my beloved shepherd said to me] O my dove, [while you are here] in the seclusion of the clefts in the solid rock, in the sheltered and secret place of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.
   
   
7. Isaiah 45:3
   And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.

Oops, I did it again!

There was a time when I envied the predictability of the lives of certain people.  I wondered what would it be like to live in the same place, having the same friends and calling the same people family all of your life.  Those people will probably die having the same religious beliefs and political ideas they grew up with, they would have the same value system, have the same taste in food, dance to the same music, dream and pray in the same language through decades.  I know that there are moments when people have what we call paradigm shifts: experiences or encounters that challenge their worldview and gives them a whole new perception of Life.  How many of those does an average person have? I am really curious.  

I can't count the times I have reinvented myself.  I have lived many many lives, in this same body. I've shed my skin so many times.  I really think I don't evolve, I "revolt". I feel sorry for the people that have loved me who could not possibly keep up with me. I miss them, and I can't blame them for feeling betrayed when I change into someone they could no longer relate to. I know I scare the hell out of so many.  They might even think I am just a flake.  I have only one thing to say in my defense...~just as I am writing this post, trying to come up with an intelligent argument, Spirit whispered me this verse:

John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

Wow! I'm blown away, Lord. Thank You.  I get it now. I love you God!

The Best Time of My Life

Most people would say that they love Freedom, that they treasure Peace and that they want all that Life has to offer.   The question is: What are you willing to give up for the things you say you value and yearn for. Is there really a price to pay? Would you be willing to pay the price when the time comes?  Would you volunteer to experience dying to the old to give birth to your true self; or, would you be forced to get in alignment with divine will? Would you be guided or pushed? Would you be led or driven? Is there really a difference?   

Each single moment of every day we face those choices and make those decisions.  Think of the things you do to please others that are a betrayal of yourself.  Think of the times you settle for contentment, because pursuing what you know will bring you true joy, involves taking a scary risk.  The times when you hide your true feelings, thoughts and opinions, terrified of disappointing your loved ones. You reject yourself, dreading the rejection of others.  

What if facing your worst fears was not an option anymore? What if you lost everything and everyone that now brings you comfort? If all your present relationships were lost in the blink of an eye, if the things you utilized to define and determine your value, suddenly  vanished. 

I can tell you that the pain you will experience will kill you, but not as quickly as you would desire.  You will surely die, but it will, in no way, be the end. You will realize that pain is not the worst thing that could have happened to you, that your brokenness is opening you up to what you always dreamed of and that the best is now yet to come.  One day, you realize you are not the same person, you are not so easily scared or intimidated.  You know your value, your worth, regardless of the opinion of others. You are having the time of your life.  You still remember you paid a price, but what you feel here and now is priceless!

---

When I talk about my quest to Wholeness, this is what I really mean...

Healing is a lifelong journey toward wholeness.

Healing is remembering what has been forgotten about connection, unity and interdependence among all things 

living and nonliving.

Healing is embracing what is most feared.

Healing is opening what has been closed,

softening what has hardened into obstruction.

Healing is entering into the transcendent, 

timeless moment when one experiences the divine.

Healing is creativity and passion and love.

Healing is seeking and expressing self in its fullness, 

its light and shadow, its male and female.

Healing is learning to trust life.

                                                                    ~Unknown

Out of the Shadows

Last week I was given an assignment by my Reiki teacher to explore the ways in which my life experiences, especially the painful ones, have contributed to who I am today. Such type of self assessment and exploration is in no way new to me.  I can confidently say that I know most of the answers he wants me to figure out. Or do I?  When you grow up within the subculture of a cult, like Los Mita, you learn what your leaders, especially "the prophet ", want you to learn, you are not encouraged to think for yourself when it comes to spiritual matters. You do not inherit the values of your family, like most people living in the real world (well the one the majority accepts as real), your family is also completely assimilated into the cult culture.  Anyone who does not share those values, is no longer part of your family, even if they are by blood. You learn to accept everything you are told as the only possible truth, even when sometimes it does not make any sense to you, in which case you figure that you are the one who does not make sense. 

The first time I saw the movie The Truman Show it hit me.  I had lived in a fictional world for the first 23 years of my life.  The difference is that, most of the characters in my movie had also believed their own lies and forgotten about the outside world.  They had created a new worldview, a new paradigm out of some mystical experiences or out of their own psychosis, who is to say? And now they were trapped in this complex alternate dimension they created with the power of their own beliefs.  I swear I had an out of body experience when I saw Truman finding the door out of this huge movie set.   I was Truman and I was finally free to go have a real life.  

But those lies that you are told when you are just a kid- by the people you must trust to guarantee your own survival, before you are all grown up and can  fend for yourself- those lies become that superego you can not easily rid yourself of.  They had become your own voice, your own cosmology.  You can reject them on the conscious level while they will still be so ingrained  in your psyche: they are an ever present unpleasant feeling, the nightmares that wake you up sweating and weeping in the middle of the night, or in my case, severe recurrent Depression and acute Anxiety.  The devastation of seeing your world crumbling down; the vertigo of loosing your ground, your roots, your faith, the most basic sense of trust you ever developed during your formative years.  How do you come out of that? Figuring that out has been the quest of the rest of my life.  You can not give yourself rest until you have removed the last single thread tangling you up to the darkness.  You become a light chaser, you pursue Truth relentlessly, almost obsessively, just because you can not breathe in the presence of the shadow of a lie.

Let Me Introduce Myself.

I was born on October 22 of 1973 to a troubled teenage mother who had run away from home with a  young orphan boy from her neighborhood.  My mother was 18 when she had me.  She was coming from the trauma of loosing her father to Leukemia a couple of years before.  My mother was lied about her father's illness, no one told her he was going to die, and then, one morning she was getting ready to see him at the hospital.  She had laid down her clothes on her bed; she was proud and excited about a new pair of boots she would wear that day. She was her father's little girl, his pride and adoration.  She was just wondering when her father would be back home.  That day, my great grandmother entered her room and unceremoniously delivered the devastating news.  My grandfather had passed away.  She demanded that my mother did not cry.  I imagine my mother heard then the thunderous sound of a crack in the Planet, the loudest noise smothering her own inner wail. I heard stories growing up of how my mother suffered serious but partial memory loss at that time. Even now I know she is unable to recall events, names and faces of people she met before her father died. I remember walking with her in the market when someone approached her to greet her effusively.  She would be embarrassed not to remember that person claiming to be a former classmate or a childhood friend. 

I was born within the darkness of my mother's memory; I came forth out of  her alienation, her confusion and distrust of the world.  My birth was one of the events of the aftermath of the great tragedy of her life.  One of the stones stumbling down from an avalanche of disastrous, unplanned occurrences. I came into this world in an atmosphere of crisis and drama.  Those conditions shaped up the way I perceived life from the very beginning.   Pain became familiar, trauma was my emotional hometown.  

Those circumstances should be enough to make one's upbringing especially difficult, but to fully understand where I come from I need to make reference to my family's unique background. My grandmother joined a religious cult at the age of fifteen. She was homeless  after being thrown out on the street by her own father.  She had just become a young woman in his eyes and that, to him, meant trouble.  My grandmother left her parents' home in the Country, in our native Puerto Rico, and came to the city to work as a maid.  

At that desperate time in her life, she came across a group of people in a religious gathering who had very strange spiritual beliefs and practices.  They had come out of their Pentecostal church to form their own, led by a woman who claimed having received a special revelation from God, making her the messenger and medium of the Holy Ghost.  So was my grandmother's need to belong somewhere and be accepted by someone that she was willing to forsake her before cherished Catholic faith to utterly assimilate herself into this new cult. 

The beliefs, practices and idiosyncrasy of this communal religious group, latter called Mita Congregation, formed a parallel dimensional  universe in which I grew up inscribed in the outer socio-cultural reality of every other Puerto Rican girl in the 80's and 90's. My childhood and teenage years where anything but ordinary, with all the common characteristics of life within any religious cult.  You grow up controlled, manipulated, terrified of the outside world, denying your own thoughts and feelings every time they stretched out of the frame of their doctrine.  

Why do I feel the need to write about this and publish it for anyone to see?