It took me four years to make peace with my reality. I was resentful, bitter and angry. I constantly compared my life's circumstances with others'. I did not have a marriage, a successful career or professional title, a comfortable home, a savings fund, an ideal body image, a hometown to welcome me back, an unconditionally loving mother, a supportive father, an accepting sister, a welcoming church community. I had nothing that would materially define my identity. I held on to motherhood as my last stronghold, to finally accept that my children were increasingly more independent and self-reliant. I was left alone, isolated and broken with nothing else than an unforgiving mirror reflecting back a wounded self-image; a scattered, confused mind and an ego-guarded, defensive heart.
I tried desperately for years to buy the acceptance of others, by adopting their religious beliefs and world views. I sought to belong at the ever high cost of self betrayal. Over and over again, I forced myself to fit into various social molds. I camouflaged my feelings, thoughts and intentions to be more likable, and avoid rejection. I was not being hypocritical, I honestly forced myself to adapt, willingly mutilating myself psychologically and spiritually. I fell for a false notion of salvation, offered by well-intention-ed church goers. "We welcome you", they said, "just as you are". "We will patiently wait for you to conform to the only truth we are willing to accept...come worship our image of an All-American mainstream Jesus." "Seek and ye shall find the holy grail of traditional marriage and the white picket fence heaven; repent of your morally inferior, non-white worldviews. The kingdom of heaven is likened to the America's of the 1950's, any ideals that deviate from that are terribly ungodly."
My desire to conform, stemmed from a deeply seated sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. It was madness, and I have had to forgive myself. In my isolation, I had no other choice but to go within. There was Yeshua Ben David, the master, waiting in the Silence. I fell prostrated, blinded by the light of his countenance, so pure and unpretentious. There too was Madre Maria, the divine feminine reminding me my feminine nature is also more than worthy. Because of the genuineness of my spiritual search I can confidently believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way others experience the Divine. I can worship God in "Spirit and in Truth" and still honor the beliefs of all God's children, however different they might seem.
Nonetheless, through my search I have gained the discernment to differentiate what it is just a different perspective of Universal Truth, from mere social constructs with political agendas. I firmly believe this is a time in the history of humanity when the hearts of many, mine included, will be exposed. Those false images, idols and social structures we have erected will no longer be there to hide the truth about ourselves. Just like Adam and Eve, we will discover our nakedness and try to run to hide ourselves from our Creator, once again, but to no avail. We better make peace with the core of who we are, and who we were created to be. We need to start to reconcile within ourselves all the diverse, infinite aspects of the I AM, Creator of the Universe. We need to stop creating gods after our limited, exclusive image and likeness. It is no coincidence that women's issues are at the center of the political debate. I recall it was about Mary that was prophesied:
And a sword will pierce through your own soul also—that the secret thoughts and purposes of many hearts may be brought out and disclosed.
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